YO! FUCK YO MAMMA !

My grandmother is such a bad ass she once knitted my brothers and i barbed wire sweaters for Christmas.
  At my high school graduation she got in a fist fight with a security guard After he busted her trying to slip me a joint.She was once dismissed of all charges for lack of evidence and no witness statements , on a charge involving a known mugger being tazzed to death. In the coroners report its said that poor bastard had been jolted five times at three to five minutes each jolt. Stopped his heart cold . They tried ,but had no proof .            She had to stop going to her church because of all the drama around that place. It just so happened that the day another lady  that goes to that church sat in grandmas spot was the same day,to that ladies misfortune all four of her tires had miraculously blown out! Random . well thats how rumors start .

history question

 If  Adolf  Hitler took so much pride in being an almost godlike orator ,why did he kill him self before capture? I figured he would have been the kind of guy who'd try to talk his way out of it. The way some people manage to talk their way out of a ticket . Lots of show boating and boasting but no throw down from the man him self.....what a bitch!

who comes up with this shit?

You ever see a guy fuck his own asshole? I know right? Its some fucked up shit to watch. You know what ? It kind of  looked like Gonzo sucking on the end of his nose.................

Plague doctor

Some nights i think i have revisited past lives in my dreams. There is something about they way they can fire up your emotions...like something just touched your soul. Unfamiliar places with un recognizable people, but you have the most vexing feeling of familiarity . Like an alternate reality where another you lives a life of its own.  These are the hardest dreams to keep in your memory. And the more you try to recall the more the recollection fades. Or maybe its just a a test the mind puts itself threw to check its sanity .

Kings and Peasants

Back out ,take a look around ....do you see how we are?...........we created a false sense of being. Humans picked a routine to follow beyond survival.......The separation from the animals.....we have our system and a love for gold.... We live an unnatural path in quest of wealth.........We separate the strong from the weak . The dominant strong exploit the weak. Using them to build their empires while barely allowing the weak the crumbs . People eating each other like wild ANIMALS. Go figure the same system designed to separate man from beast shows man as the most vicious predator , the one that consumes its own kind.

Hey ! Happy Monday ........................Yeah! Up yours too..you friggin JERK!

Had one of those days where everything just seemed to suck balls. Everything drags, you have a bunch on your mind and it makes your head start to hurt, and all you want to do is go home and hide in bed . and it never fails on these kind of days you always end up in a getting a ticket by some dick cop ,or find out your neighbor's cat had its spine crushed in your garage door . And it never fails,its the  same kind of days you find out your best friend got busted robbing a Adult book and novelty boutique , Or you catch word that your your cousin got twenty five years added to his sentence for shiving a guy to death with a sharpened popcicle stick,Or your parents drop by for a visit to inform you that you were born a hermaphrodite and they chose to make you a boy and thats why you sometimes act like a girly little bitch ....huh!   You know one of those days where you go to the park and whack the heads off of gophers with a good solid golf club, just to relax . Some times  to blow off steam i like to go down town and pay bums in beer to fight one another . My absolute favorite thing to do to escape the pressure of a bad day is to mental murder. What i do is i go to the mall and find a bench in a high traffic area, and as people walk by i see there face then close my eyes and try to picture how many ways i can kill them....Boy let me tell you it can get brutal.......Right, you know what i mean .....what? C'mon!  You know you have at least had the thought . .............................liar.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

no one is perfect

So i got stuck with my lil 2 year old nephew , he is an all right kid dont talk dont really cry dont shit his pants that often. You know the kind of nephew you dont mind watching for a couple hours . Plus he is the cutest lil fuckin guy . Every where i take the kid ,at least ten women come up and remark on how cute he is and chit chat with the single dad looking guy. Of course I enjoy the attention but, its frustrating meeting these broads in parks and malls and and other places you take kids to snare women.The women in these places are your soccer moms ,the lets get to know each other , take it slow ,start as friends ,love letter kinda of women.That is not the kinda gal i look for, you know?  i will say they are all very beautiful ,but not one is just down to fuck. I started to feel like it was pointless for this kid to be cute, if it wasnt getting his uncle any sweet sweet tang.  I soon came to the conclusion that , the only way this two year old chick magnet was going to pull some poundable ass was to get him where that ass congregated .... I had to get him in a bar!.If he can attract as many bar whores as he does regular Bettys , i would be knee deep in the poon for at least a month .The only problem was getting him in undetected. I took him back to my place ,he watched "Heavy Metal" (the only cartoon i own ),while i rummaged threw some old halloween costumes trying to come up with a good disguise . I found an old wear wolf mask,trimmed a patch of fur out of the back. I styled it into the best baby beard the world had ever seen.  i stuck it to his face with a bit of double sided tape .He didnt even fuss. What a champ .I am telling you this kid looked like a 60 year old Russian midget . Perfect!. I picked a place close to home and known as a hot spot for young, drunk ,slutty chicks. So i held his hand and went inside ,we were almost completely unnoticed until i had to pick him up and set him on the bar stool. That's when things got a little tense . The bartender said in a stern voice "Hey man you cant bring a baby in here " I quickly responded. "hey watch who you are calling a baby my friend here just turned 57 years old." "Just so you know ,he suffers from the same genetic disease as the actor Vern Troyer alright buddy" " hey do you make fun of all your patrons with physical handicaps ?" "If a guy came in here and his legs had been amputated ,you gonna kick him out for being too short?"  Just then i turned to my nephew and apologized for the bartenders rudeness and asked if he wanted to go somewhere else. I looked back at the bartender to see i any of my bullshit rant had convinced him that this baby was in fact an elderly man. The bartender stared blankly back at me. then after what seemed like an eternity he broke the silence with a long sigh. He leaned over the bar and spoke to me in a low voice ,he said "look man ,you really put out the effort here and this is by far the craziest fucking stunt ive ever seen here". Here is the deal you, take that fucking baby and leave quietly ,i will give you at least five minutes before i call the police" "If not,  you and your little friend here will be detained in the office by my bouncers until police arrive your choice." I took a step back from the bar and said "you have a good evening sir" Then grabbed my nephew off the stool and booked it out of the bar. I made it home without any trouble... My brother got his kid back fake beard and all, when he asked why his kid had a ZZTOP beard i told him he did' not  want to know..... I never heard anymore of the subject and was sure to never mention it to my brother ,im sure i would have been punched in the face had i told him i took his boy into a bar to hit on bitches. The failure and danger made damn sure i never set foot in that bar again. I stopped using the kid as bait and started dating the old fashion way......... church Bingo nights , lonely ladies every Tuesday night they are down for some fuckin ,and there is punch and cookies. Thaaaaats right i tried to get a kid in a bar ..... sooo what? , dont judge me ,you only read this as you were taking a break from masturbating in front of your web cam.....so no one is perfect .........

now the left foot.

There is no bad mood known to the minds of humans that could not be broken by hearing the first thirty seconds of "the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater " The" hokey pokey" on the other hand, has been used by nomadic Mongolian warriors as a battle song since the nineteen sixties . It has been known break the will of the enemy ,before any violence occurs . And" its a small world " was designed and tested on the American public via close cooperation with an Anaheim,California theme park owner,in the early nineteen fifties ... The" Small world mind wipe " as it is know to certain members of a certain government,has been used in every war since Vietnam. What it did at the theme park was ,using voice frequency repetition instinct removal technology to manipulate the urges and desires  of a group of humans.Rendering them mindless programmable drones ,hell bent on the  purchase of over priced  concessions and crappy  nick nack momentos .....Not to mention the loyalty it demanded for repeat visits and purchases .In weapon form the small world mind wipe has been used to make entire countries make dipshit money spending actions ,destroying world economies ,and making theme park owners world over trillionaires  ...........so  remember "The Purple People Eater" ,use its emotional healing powers and dont stress out on stupid shit ........

huh? is it gay?

Dude? is it gay if you had an exact clone of yourself, and you well.......you know..Fucked that clone?
Keep in mind the variables for instance is it not gay and its really just a new form of masturbation ?
What if you just masturbated in front of each other?????Is it not gay if no one finds out ?you know like, you and your clone make a pact to never tell about the one time ,you know shhhhhh!!!! Its a real thinker ............shit!! i  could argue pros and cons to this one for hours.........and im soooo not gay , just an open minded opportunist ...

Welcome to the Blumpkin Patch

Hi, A Blumpkin Patch is where young boys go to become men. Its like a autumn rights of passage.

You might have seen one in your home town ,i have one in mine . Its a rented out corner lot much like the one where you buy your Christmas tree. But on this type of lot there is a row of about twenty five very sanitary portapotties , and about twenty five very scantily clad not so good looking prostitutes ......And for a ten spot you can take your boy down and let him get his first toilet seat blow job.........Then you can take him back home a man.......This blog will be just as shocking and life altering as your first visit to a Blumpkin Patch.